I always had a positive view of Mother Nature. In my mind she was a sweet old lady sporting a twin set and pearls but now I've decided that she is a bitch in killer heels and a power suit with 80's style shoulder pads. What has caused this turnaround? My sudden decent into the abyss that is menopause...
If you are under 40, you may want to click away now... go on I won't be offended. Perhaps it is better to be blissfully unaware of what lies ahead (I'm very glad that I was!)
Mother Nature has decided to play one last cruel trick on women. As if pushing human beings out of a hole in your body isn't enough or spending the entire first part of your young life worrying about getting pregnant and the next half worrying that you aren't. Oh no, we haven't endured enough and must now, in a last twist of fate, be subjected to the injustice of confusing menopause symptoms with pregnancy.
- No more periods: you can wave goodbye to those periods! No more tampons falling out of your bag during meetings, or panty liners stuck to your mobile phone.
- Sleep problems: sleeping with a tummy the size of a beach ball is hard! During menopause you can get to sleep but you will wake in the middle of the night because you're having a hot flush or you suddenly remembered the name of auntie Flo's long dead cat that evaded you this morning.
- Memory loss: perhaps this is just me because I haven't seen it listed on the web anywhere but I have the memory of a goldfish at the moment as I did when I was pregnant.
- Fatigue: menopause is knackering, I'm not lazy or old, I'm menopausal so move off the sofa it's mine! Now I remember the fatigue during my first trimester of pregnancy.
- Mood changes: We talk a lot about pregnancy hormones, well ladies lets start shouting about these menopause hormones too. I am veering dangerously between crying at anything remotely sad and wanting to kill the next person who looks at me the wrong way.
- High temperature: My body has a faulty thermostat, end of discussion.
- Sore boobs: forget running upstairs without a heavy duty sports bra on!
- Elasticated pants: maternity wear and menopause wear both involve elastic for that expanding waistline.
- Stress incontinence: there is not a baby sitting on my bladder so why do I need to dash to the loo everytime something makes me laugh or I need to sneeze?
- Peeing at night: a full nights sleep is a thing of the past! Count on 2/3 night time visits to the WC.
- Nausea: Not a symptom of menopause but all the above are enough to make anyone sick.
There is however, one major difference in all this, at the end of pregnancy you are left with the best gift of all, your baby. All menopause leaves you with is; vaginal dryness and a hairy chin. Thank you Mother Nature!