Oh my god, here we are. The day has arrived. I can't believe that it was way back in June that I first shared my 'women's' problems with you. My ipad reminded me, 'in quite a perverse way', that today is 'H day' as I like to call it. Really, my embarrassment at the word Periods has nothing on my utter terror when faced with the word Hysterectomy. I had hoped it wouldn't get to this and as you know I have wrestled with my feelings but I have accepted that it needs to be done. And now here I am...
I wish I could say that I am feeling brave but no, quite frankly I am absolutely terrified. I must admit that I have been walking around like a bear with a sore head for days. I know people mean well but really, they say the most ridiculous of things. If one more person asks me if I'm feeling nervous! (I must admit to having a momentary daydream where I am Karate chopping them in the throat like a ninja.) My MIL actually shouted it across the dinner table in a restaurant this weekend.
Then we have the advice givers. Ranging from, It's a really big operation to it's easy now I was back at work in 2 weeks. (What are you serious?) Yes I am slightly scared about the amount of pain, I admit it. A colleague told me that just walking to the loo was like climbing a mountain in the first couple of days. Some people might not want to know that but I do! It is not the pain that scares me (well a bit) it's not the risk of the operation (well a bit) but the lack of control and the uncertainty... I have to relinquish control of everything and to be totally honest that it what is totally terrifying me.
For at least 3 weeks I will be reliant on other people's help and kindness. I know that sitting back and doing nothing is going to absolutely kill me. More so watching people do things differently and keeping my mouth shut. I know I sound like a spoilt, selfish madam and don't get me wrong I am totally grateful and in awe of the wonderful hubby and family I have who will help. Even my gorgeous older brother offered to come over from the UK, now that is love because he knows what a cow I can be!
My last irritation has been the 'What about the kids?' brigade. Good question, why not rub salt in the wound whilst you're at it. I am most scared about how this will affect my boys, especially the big lad. He hates it when mummy is sick. His autistic brain says sick= death, he will ask, are you going to die. Also I wonder how he will cope with me not coming home one, maybe two nights. Hubby has taken a week off work to be here to keep things as normal for him as possible but it won't be normal for a while. I hope he can cope!
I know that the boys will want to try to take care of me. But I want/need with every fibre of my being to take care of them and I won't be able to. Maybe it will be good for them? Give them the space to let them grow in independence. Perhaps they won't need me anymore...
I know what you're thinking, I better keep my mouth shut. But really come on people think!!!
The best thing you can say in these situations is; Do you need any help? Or what can I do? Or offer a hug, wine, cake, chocolate, a shoulder.
So my friend, I have decided to keep a no holds barred diary of my hysterectomy journey for any other women out there who, like me, want to know the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If it helps one person then my job is done!
I'll see you on the other side.