Unbelievably I slept well last night but I woke aound 5 with stomach cramps. How ironic that my period would arrive on today of all days. I was in the shower by 6, Scrubbing myself clean, it is the paranoia of the smear test multiplied by 100. I must be clean.
I sat at my dressing table and removed the last of my jewellery, dried my hair and looked at myself in the mirror. Plain, as naked as the day you were born, what defines you now? I realise how important those rings on my finger are to me, how they are a physical reminder that I am loved. It felt strange going into battle without any of my usual tools, no eye liner, mascara or lip stick now.
I cried, momentarily in the car on the way to the hospital. It was saying bye to the boys. I allowed myself to be swallowed up by a moment of panic (a little voice saying; what if you never see them again?)
In front of the nurses, in control Catie returned. I found it quite strange that we were placed next to the maternity unit! Hearing a baby crying, feels a little insensitive, it's like the bit at the end of Bulls eye, look at what you could have won. On the table in the ward were magazines. My pride is dented when I see the 50 plus titles on display. Not there yet!
Hubby followed me to the lift and we said our goodbyes. At this point I know it is far worse for those waiting. As the patient you sleep, wake and it feels like a second but as the loved one those few hours can feel like an eternity.
The anesthetic team and the operating room team were fantastic. They really put me at ease. The Dr was brilliant. She knew I was nervous and promised that she would take good care of me. Her calm nature and caring manner really helped as normally I get the shakes but I didn't! She helped pick my dream too, talking about the hills and the beautiful views in England as I drifted off to sleep.
I made it through safely to the other side.
The afternoon passed in a blur of sleep and medication.
It hurts, I haven't moved from the bed, yet it hurts. It feels like a very bad period pain. But as my periods were very bad I am used to this pain. I can endure this, surely?! But I am dreading having to move! Before the operation they blow up your tummy with air. My tummy has made strange grumbles and groans all afternoon like a disgruntled toddler.
I have been warned several times that I may be sick and was lovingly presented with a sick bowl. As I hate being sick I have eaten only small bits but I have managed some crackers, cookies and a slice of bread and jam, a taste of childhood. I feel child like, laid here unable to move being looked after and fed by others. It would be bliss minus the pain.